Everyone knows you can’t buy love – but if you could, what’s the price tag you can afford? Before you put on your thinking caps, let me clarify the kind of love I mean. I’m not talking about you and your bestie, warm-fuzzies for your aunt Gertrude, or your love of learning, as important as those kinds of love are. I’m definitely not talking about lust, that primitive magnetism we feel with another person, mediated by pheromones and first impressions.
The kind of love I have in mind is consummate, fulfilling and mutually reciprocal – I’m talking about limerence. Suppose I have a machine that can distill the jammiest bits of jam, electrically encode them and transcribe them on your grey matter forever. What’s it worth to you?
Resident Vick here (don’t worry, I’ve never heard of me either) writing to you from beautiful Dancing Rabbit about the most important thing in the world.
The talk of the town this week has been the union between Kyle and Sarah, who decided to celebrate their love for one another with a joyous reception in the company of their friends and family.
A separate celebration is coming up soon for Rabbits, so I didn’t go to this one, though I did get a taste of heart-shaped sweetness leftover from the party – my sugar buzz was a swell catalyst for the ghost-wind of passion I recall from relationships past – and its reminiscent effect was powerful.
As I reflected on the lavish spring of their romance while they set out to build a sustainable life together, I detected some extra pep in my step and a special eagerness to smile. This was mostly because I share their happiness as they mark this milestone, but also because the occasion allows me to experience a provocative, vainglorious taste of their limerence.
Maybe it has as much to do with warm summer days and bold summer blooms, or catching a fleeting glimpse of Kyle and Sarah ambling by hand in hand, but all this talk about love has put my mind on the track of how these stories tend to go. Usually, it’s like this: co meets co, co loses co, co and co get back together fiercer than cute on a timberdoodle, and finally co and co live happily ever after. I want to know – how do they do it?
Fortunately, culture at Dancing Rabbit has a lot to offer when it comes to fostering multiple dimensions of loving relationships, including the tenderest matters of the heart. I wonder, for example, how much Victorian botheration could have been averted if Mr. Darcy had gone to Men’s Group to work on his pride, and if Elizabeth had done a little co-counseling about her prejudice. With a little sensitivity training for the residents of Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie could have been open about their relationship.
If consensus had been a part of life for Heloise and Abelard, their limerence could have grown face to face, instead of through a life-long litany of love letters. And, alas, perhaps a restorative circle between the Capulets and the Montagues would have meant that fair Verona would never need have known that story of woe, of Juliet and her Romeo.
So why did I ask you to put a dollar value on love? It seems inappropriate even to me, because sometimes the best things in life are free, the many-splendored ones most of all. I tried, and I can’t do it. I suspect you couldn’t either – the equation just doesn’t add up, or at least in shouldn’t. But it does.
A UK study assayed a hypothetical similitude between the happiness experienced by people who heard a close person say to them ‘I love you’ for the first time and the happiness felt by gamblers after winning a big jackpot. They concluded (don’t ask me how) that hearing someone say you-know-what for the first time induced the same level of happiness as winning $267,000.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you about the benefits of money, and it goes without saying that not all rich folks are happy, but here’s the kicker: when the positive influences of money are compared to the positive influences of true love on measurable criteria like longevity and life satisfaction, you’ll find that love matches money point for point on every count. The difference is that lots of money comes with lots of taxes, and lots of love comes with lots of hugs and kisses.
Hearing ‘I love you’ on a regular basis also increases persistence of vasopressin and oxytocin in the brain, chemicals that make us feel palpable sensations of affection, emotional closeness and meaningful connection with other people. Couples who exhibit high levels of these chemicals in their systems have been shown to resolve conflicts faster and more permanently than those who struggle to whip up this particular cognitive cocktail. Simply looking into the eyes of your special someone can have a profound impact.
So take some time every day to look into the eyes of your companions in life and tell them how much they really mean to you. It’s good for you, it’s good for them, and in the long run the time you spend together will be worth much more than a number in your bank account.
I’m not too shy to say it: I love you! I’m blowing you kisses as I write, and until someone at Dancing Rabbit discovers the secret to growing money trees, we are going to keep spreading the love.
In the same spirit, I’m proud to announce that Dancing Rabbit will soon be hosting a group of ecological enquirers all the way from China to show them what it’s like building a model for global sustainability. Be sure to check out this week’s photo of Ted teaching Rabbits some key Mandarin phrases. Wǒ ài nǐ! (I love you!)
Ciao for now, and congratulations to Kyle and Sarah for winning the lottery of love!
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Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage is an intentional community and nonprofit outside Rutledge, in northeast Missouri, focused on demonstrating sustainable living possibilities. Find out more about us by visiting our website, reading our blog, or emailing us.