Colt and I are proud to announce that we have recently became official members at Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage! To say that the road to my becoming a member was seamless would be far from accurate. It has been difficult to explain to non-community family why anyone would have a problem accepting yours truly, a perfect angel, into the DR community.
Kelly here, describing what the DR membership process can be like, using a dental allegory.
The process of applying for membership is a bit stressful for everyone, in that an applicant has already been living in the village as a resident for at least six months or more (three years for Colt and me) and decides to take the leap of greater commitment by becoming a member. The fear of rejection for membership has been stronger than any other fear of rejection that I’ve ever experienced.
That fear is multiplied when an applicant has one or more community members who think that the applicant is not a good choice for joining the village. When people aren’t accepted for membership, it can often cause severe, irreparable hard feelings. Some rejectees even go on the internet to voice their disgruntlement. To non-community members it may sound like the village is full of harsh meanies, but I’d like to offer a different perspective through the use of a dental allegory.
Imagine that I didn’t brush my teeth. Maybe I was interested in moving to an ecovillage because I thought it could be a safe place to be as free as my dirty mouth wanted to be. Eventually my stinky breath starts effecting others; people begin avoiding sharing spaces with me. If they’ve grown to care for me, there might be growing concern when my teeth start rotting. There might be concern around how my future medical issues could impact the village. There might be concerns around my roles that involve the public, if my visage or breath were off-putting. How many people in the village need to believe that I am not brushing my teeth enough before it becomes abnormal? How many before it is viewed as wrong?
There is also the impact on my kid. There may be a healthy population of people who don’t care at all about how well I take care of my teeth, but if I discourage Colt from brushing his teeth, many would consider that endangering a child. Most people, including myself, feel more drawn to intervening on others’ personal freedoms if it crosses our individual comfort levels around child safety.
What considerations should be taken in broaching the subject of toothbrushing with me? A concerned villager might check their feelings with neighbors first, or come to me directly. They could approach with curiosity or feedback. They could escalate the problem to my liaisons (residency shepherds) or even to our Conflict Resolution Committee. What if I have trauma around brushing my teeth? What if some villagers have trauma around smelling stinky breath? There would probably be someone from Care Committee showing up to make sure that I have all the support that I need to brush my teeth, making sure that I have the toothbrush, the water, the toothpaste and the skills. If the issue is bringing up trauma, maybe Care Committee would see if anyone involved was interested in professional emotional support.
I’ve always despised gossip and work hard to avoid engaging in it since I moved to the village. Recently, I learned that matriarchal hunter-gatherer villages modified people’s behaviors through social pressure, public ridicule and gossip. As villages shifted toward patriarchal hierarchies, behavior modifications began leaning more towards punishments and penalties, while idle gossip began being vilified. There is information sharing that is required in a rustic village such as ours. Venting is sometimes necessary. When my neighbors begin talking to each other about my oral issues, I trust that they are doing it with good intent. Actually, I am working on learning to trust that everyone is motivated by good intent. When plenty of talking happens around an issue, a context is created that can inform it. When does gossip cross the line into toxicity?
Maybe only one or two people have an issue with my toothbrushing and the rest of the village quells the conversation. Maybe those few people want to insist that I brush my teeth way the way they do. Maybe the majority of the village think that it doesn’t matter at all how often Colt or I brush our teeth, and so aren’t as invested in the conversation as the people who insist that I am doing it wrong. The people who want me to do it differently probably just want to live in their ideal village where their standards are the norm.
There is an extreme to any social pressure and change. Ethics can potentially be attached to any side of any issue. What if social pressure creates an environment where people are ashamed when they skip brushing their teeth? What if pressure escalates to a point where it’s considered normal to brush your teeth until your gums bleed? Do we need to start tracking our neighbor’s habits? Do we propose a document to outline how often each villager should be brushing? Do we base our outline on government recommendations? Does everyone in the village trust the government recommendations? Once we create rules around brushing teeth, how do we enforce them, through penalties and punishment or gossip and ridicule?
Once we have created a structure that everyone agrees on, what happens in 10 years when we have a new resident who has a different set of circumstances that prevent them from brushing their teeth to our collective standards? Some people may want to show them grace while others might feel the duty to draw a hard line. Everything is relative, so maybe flexibility or a hard line would look different to different people. Would the information even be the same in the future? Will teethbrushing eventually become a thing of the past? Will future-us make fun of ourselves for how many meetings we had about how we should brush our teeth?
I think that there are a million more ways that I can use this allegory to illustrate other potential hiccups with welcoming a new member to our “fluffle,” and every intentional community will have a different set of speed bumps. If you are still looking for a community that feels like the right fit, that feels like home, it’s not about being in perfect alignment with the group. It’s about agreeing with the main tenets and bracing for some wiggle room!
Kelly Brandt is a periodic guest writer for this publication. She is the house manager for Skyhouse. Congratulations on becoming a member, Kelly!